Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
