I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
