A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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