You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
