just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
