I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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