I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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