The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
