I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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