I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize