dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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