My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
