Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
