i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
