Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Randomize