last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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