I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
