You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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