this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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