at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
