i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
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