Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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