Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
