Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize