help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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