The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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