dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
