Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
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