tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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