used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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