Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
