Someone shit on the floor
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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