I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize