My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
