I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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