you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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