My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
The best revenge is premature balding
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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