If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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