god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
two words...techno handjob
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
