life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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