ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
