i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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