I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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