He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
It's shark week go big or go home
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
