Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Hippo gnu deer
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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