so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
