Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
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