when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize