If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
do herpes really smell.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
3pm strippers are depressing
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
