He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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