Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
