I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
