Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I have aggressive nipples.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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