oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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