my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize