Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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