When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
