my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
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