Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
