I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
