Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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